Sophomore Excitement 3 Months Too Early…

Housing assignments for next year came out, officially, this past Friday, the 27th.  My friends and I thought we got the shaft – rooms 3 and 4 of St. Mary’s – in doubles.  By the way, these rooms are non-existent on the floor plan of this building!  We freaked out.  The two girls are rooming together, which was ideal, but I am in currently in a forced double, meaning rooming with someone I don’t know. We were so mad on Friday and just wanted to scream and get everything straightened out.  The plan was for me to submit a room change request form in hopes of getting a single either on main campus or in St. Mary’s.

Our luck, however, is amazing and not horrible like we originally thought. Today was our spring band concert in St. Mary’s. We had some time to spare before we had to be in the band room, so the three of us went on a search to at least find out where our rooms were. We got lucky and ran into this guy who swiped us into the girls hall of the basement rooms.  AMAZING! There are only 4 rooms in this hall, and the rooms are set up as suites. Rooms 3 and 4 share a bathroom, the rooms are almost twice the size of my current dorm room, have a walk in closet, and two HUGE windows. The beds are bunked and the other furniture that seems to come with the room is two free standing wardrobes, two bookshelves, two desks/chairs, and maybe a coffee table and dresser? Not too sure about those last two items though. It was hard to tell if the girls bought those or if they were school issued furniture.  Regardless, the room is huge and I’ll definitely be putting a futon in there. I’m so excited, I don’t really care anymore if I have a roommate or not, although from face-booking her, I think she is attempting to move into a single and out of the double!  Seeing that room today just made everything about next year 100 times better.

On the way back from the concert we were already talking about what we are going to do in terms of decorating the rooms and getting bathroom stuff to share! The excitement is going to have to last 3 months until move-in! ahhhh Not to mention the location of the rooms is prime (for us girls at least!) Our classes are either right there in that building or a short 5 minute walk to main! Not to mention the band room is less than 25 steps from the room! AMAZING!  People are already calling dibs on the floor, futon, and bed if i end up with no roommate! haha Looks like we didn’t get the bad end of things after all!!! :-p

In other news, I did about an hour’s worth of homework this weekend in total and have nothing other than history reading to do.  This week should be fairly easy homework wise and then over the weekend I’m going to have to start studying for my five finals in addition to packing up everything. Mom is coming to get me a week from Friday, then I’ll be home for the summer.  I’m still having mixed feelings about home just because I’m going to miss my friends here a lot, but it should all be fine, thanks to the phone and instant messaging! :-p

I really want my ice cream now… so that means this post is finished for now :-p

~ JenJen ~

A month later…

A month has passed since Natalie left us and I still think about her constantly.  I wasn’t one of her close friends and I only knew her through her brother. However, her death affected me greatly and I finally experienced that horrible feeling of losing someone you love.  I miss her so much and I know all of us today are feeling the same way, especially her family and best friends. I know for a fact that her brother is suffering. Ironically as I started writing this post, I got a facebook message which her brother sent to everyone who is a member of the facebook group In Loving Memory: Natalie G. This is the message he sent:

“It’s been one month since Natalie has been gone and I, as many of you, still cannot believe that it happened. She had so much potential and was such a bright person.

I guess on this anniversary, there are a few things I’m sure she would want us to think. Most of all, let’s never forget her, we always have to remember her and everything that made her great.

For all of those who knew her well and those who didn’t, we can all take one similar thing away. I saw her over Christmas and she seemed ok. I talked to her just 3 days before she died and she seemed ok. It’s cliche, but life can change quickly and those close to you can disappear. Call your close friends, your family, and tell them you love them and tell them something you appreciate about them. Enjoy everyday, think daily of one reason why you are glad to be alive and well.

I miss her terribly as many of you do, but there is something to take something positive away from this, that’s one thing she would have wanted us to, to enjoy life more because it can both disappear quickly and for all of those who can’t enjoy it themselves.”

Let’s live Natalie’s dream – enjoy life and live it to the fullest, tell everyone you love that you love them and tell them why, for you never know when your life or theirs will be taken from us.

To my friends who read this and to my friends who don’t, thank you for everything you have ever done for me. I love you.

~ JenJen ~

forever in hearts ~ we will never forget you Nat 3/27/07

UP’S and down’s

+ This week is almost over – 4 more classes tomorrow (well, 3 b/c I’m already planning on skipping my Spanish class) I have a test in my 9:30 Physics class and a test in my 1:30 Calculus class.

+ Us girls are going out to dinner tomorrow night for our last ‘official’ freshman girl’s get together because next weekend finals begin.

+ I don’t actually have any finals until the 8th of May, so I have a good portion of time to study.

- They are canceling the show Drive, this makes me very mad! I’m addicted to that show and was looking forward to having a new show to watch this summer

- My left shoulder hurts a lot right now, actually its been hurting all day and I can barely turn my neck

+ I have my room to myself tonight!!!

- housing assignments become official tomorrow and I don’t like my situation

- I have been having major issues with my contacts this week, I switched contacts earlier this week and today I had to change my left one because I couldn’t see out of it even though i cleaned it many times

+ I finally was able to come to a realization on something I have been struggling with a lot lately, mainly over the past few weeks. I finally spoke the problem and my concerns out loud, not to say that I have the concerns solved, but I have finally confided in someone and I’m thankful for that. Now if I could just figure out how to solve this issue things would be even better!

- sleeping has been in issue again lately. I’m always extremely tired and feel like I could just fall asleep at any time. Yet the past few nights I have been waking up constantly… I wonder if the dreams I’ve been having have something to do with this in addition to me trying to solve my concerns from the above + point…

If I told you a secret
You won’t tell a soul
Will you hold it and keep it alive
Cause it’s burning a hole
And I can’t get to sleep

~ JenJen ~

The Story of My Life – Part Two

My parents always fought when I was younger, my brother and I would sit on the basement stairs and cry as we listened to them arguing. This arguing lasted for as far back as I can remember. I honestly can’t remember a time during my youth when there were no arguments. In addition to the arguing, we moved around a lot because of my mom’s job. We moved at least 5 times, if not more (I can only remember 5 times), about once every 3 1/2 years. Sure, it was great because my mom was getting promotions and moving up in the company, however I feel like that is what brought my parent’s marriage down.

Finally, my parents decided to get a divorce. They told my brother and I one day during the summer before I entered third grade. I remember only pieces of that day: We were currently living in Toledo, Ohio in these town houses. There was a large baseball park behind the house and I remember this one time when our dog got loose and my friend and I chased her all the way to the back of the field to the highway… I digress… The day that they told us was one of the worst days of my life. My brother and I heard them arguing in the basement and we quietly opened the door and sat on the basement stairs, listening to them argue. If I remember correctly, they were arguing about whether they should tell us that day or not. Then they must have heard or seen my brother and I, either way, they found out that we were listening and brought us upstairs to the living room. The only things I remember after that was my brother sitting on my mom’s lap, crying, and I was on the floor, under the side table screaming WHY? THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING! YOU CAN’T GET A DIVORCE…. I had been expecting it for a really long time. I just never thought it would actually happen to me.

My dad gathered a bag that night and left. He went to a friend’s house for the night and eventually got his own place, with a roommate. We visited him two nights a week after school, and every other weekend. I hated the situation, and my brother and I began to blame ourselves for everything that was happening.

At this point, I can go a few different ways with the story: I can continue and focus solely on the stuff regarding my dad, focus on things at home with my mom which would eventually lead to Jared, or attempt to tell this story by combining everything together. I’m not sure where I want to go with this yet, but I’ll figure it out and continue with part three later this week.

The Story of My Life – Part One

This first post consists of a document which I wrote about three months into college – I have had it saved on my computer for all of this time, not sure what to do with it. Today I discovered the beauty of password protecting posts, so I think for the time being, this is where this document belongs.

The nature of this document is the story of my life. I while back I thought that it might make figuring everything out much easier if I were to write down how things have played out, from everything dealing with things with my dad to moving around a lot, to living with an alcoholic, to starting college. I know that my blog is kind of focused on, the college aspect of my life, but I feel that before I can really begin to start and understand things in college, I need to attempt to put the past behind me for good, to move on, to forget and maybe even to forgive.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Some days I question how I’m still functioning; how have I been able to handle everything that has happened in my life? I’m not going to lie, I have thought about suicide and I constantly dream of hurting myself or of what it would be like to have a life threatening disease so that I wouldn’t have to deal with life anymore. Yet somehow I have prevented myself from carrying out any of the aforementioned acts. Why you ask? Because I am determined to live my life without the troubles and mistakes with which I grew up with. A while back I promised myself that I would grow up and have a family and not subject my kids to the pains which my brother and myself were subjected to. Sometimes I wonder if I should be trying so hard to make my life better or if I should just give in to the pain and misery and give up. I feel at times that trying is causing more trouble and hardship than it’s worth.

Now that I am off on my own at college, away from my mom and brother, I have struggled even more, I feel, with my emotions and the things in my life that I haven’t quite dealt with yet. I have discovered over the past 3 months the lasting effects on me from Jared, from my dad, from the constant moving, from being so independent, and from just wanting a life of my own. I never really realized until I was off on my own and had to actually address the things bothering me how much the things I’ve been through in life have affected me. I look at others and wish that I could be like them, I skipped my first class last week and wonder why I have always cared so much about school, I have begun to discover that the little, odd things I do are results of the way I was treated by my Dad and Jared; my life has been revolved around ignoring my problems and pretending that I’m a happy girl with nothing wrong. When I tell people the things that have happened in my life they look at me and their response is always something like, “wow, I would have never guessed.” Well, as nice as that is to hear, it has torn me apart inside. I have spent the past 19 years pretending that I am okay and that I have been able to handle everything. In truth, I have struggled with everything in my life and have only allowed a select few to know just the outskirts of it all. This story is to tell it all and will hopefully allow me to confront these issues and somehow I can maybe figure out how to move on and finally put the past behind me.

This story begins with my childhood. For the most part, the first 7 or 8 years are blurry and I only recall certain memories; most being the ones that have affected me, usually bad memories.”

Just bend the pieces until they fit

thoughts – images – reflection – memories – words – stories >> sure they are great, but they can also haunt you until you want to explode.

This weekend, conversations have increased, phone calls have started to become common and text messages are very popular. I don’t know what I feel, I know I don’t want to return to that relationship, not even for the summer. Sure I miss him, as a friend, and sure I still care about him, but as a friend. Maybe I’m reading into the increased conversations a little too much, but I feel like he is hoping for something this summer. Hook ups aren’t my type of thing, I’m definitely a relationship type of girl and I am not willing to participate in friends-with-benefits. I don’t think he understands this… and like the other issue is that I don’t want to just quit talking with him and I’d like to hang out with him this summer, but I’m not sure if he will get the hint that I’m not willing to do anything with him. bah

Learning to start over – although this seems like a new revelation to me, in reality I’ve been trying to do this ever since coming to college. It hasn’t worked very well. From this point on, however, I swear I am going to really work at this…

Three weeks from today I will be back in Fairport. I have mixed feelings about leaving school, part of me wants to stay for senior week, the other part is saying, ‘ you haven’t been home since January’. I feel separated and distanced from my friends at home and I am going to miss my Nova friends desperately. I am excited to go find a job and make some money though and to enjoy the summer off from school, even though I’m taking a summer course :-/ I am looking forward to spending days with Jess and just spending time with my dogs and mom and brother… but family is going to get old really fast especially because I am so used to not dealing with them.

Quick comment on the weekend – the weather is beautiful, I’m in a great mood, enjoyed my Friday night watching a movie with my friends, spent some time outside yesterday and hung out with my BF3E last night and watched tv and ate a ton of junk food, and today I should be writing a paper and doing some other work, but I am procrastinating! Anyways, overall it was an enjoyable/relaxing weekend and I hope next weekend is just as fun

~ JenJen ~

I Feel the Need

I really have the need to write some thoughts down right now, but I’m not really sure how I would begin or if this is even the proper place for those thoughts.  So for now, those thoughts will remain in my head and the pretending will continue on…

Just some rambles…

Last night was just a bad night overall – I was extremely stressed and just had some weird thoughts throughout the night. School is stressing me out, but then again, that isn’t anything new. I really need to learn how to relax and accept things. I mean I am not superwoman… I can’t expect to get 100s in everything I do… As I was studying for Spanish and working on calculus homework I was chatting online with a few people, I hadn’t eaten dinner, and all I really wanted to do was go get food and sit and relax and hang out. I pushed myself to finish every calculus problem, even if I didn’t get the correct answer and I pushed myself to memorize stuff for Spanish. I almost pushed myself to finish a lab report that is due on Friday, but I stopped myself and crawled into bed and started a movie on the laptop. Why do I push myself to the edge? (haha… that just reminded me of the movie Happy Feet, ” Don’t push me ’cause I am close to the edge. I’m trying not to lose my head. ” Excellent movie, which I finally finished over Easter break)

So anyways, like I said, I convinced myself to start a movie, however I realized that this movie was 2 hours long and it was almost 12:30. Around 1:30, I forced myself to stop watching and to go to bed. Now, I was still hungry, so I’m not sure if that is why I remained awake for most of the night, or if it was other things, but regardless, I didn’t sleep last night. I am extremely exhausted right now and just want to crawl into bed and sleep for hours. However, I have a class in about half an hour, then dinner around 6, after class, then I must go back to my room and get a good amount of homework done. It’s going to be a long night again.

I am still not sure why I couldn’t sleep last night, but I had really weird dreams/thoughts… While I was doing work, I was talking to some people online, one of those people was my ex. We talked about school, about the summer, about the weather – about us – how is it that after spending 9 intimate months with someone, no matter what they do, what they say, how they act, or anything there is still that feeling that is indescribable… Images and memories from our time together flooded my mind last night as I talked to him and discussed the more intimate aspects of our relationship. No, I don’t regret anything from that relationship; maybe I wish that I had acted differently during certain situations, but for the most part I miss that sort of relationship with someone. It’s not even the physical aspect that I miss, I miss having someone care about me, someone who I know I could call up at any time and they would go out of their way to help me. Sure, I have some really close friends who I can depend on for a lot of things (yeah, I know you read this bud), but it’s just a different kind of dependence. I don’t know. I talked with my good friend from home last week in regards to the single life and she reassured me that I don’t need anyone, which is a fact that I am well aware of, but honestly, how can any person not want that kind of relationship with someone?

—- the rest of this post is written after dinner, I ran out of time before my class! —-

To finish my rambles regarding being single: As I was walking to my 4:30 class, there was a couple walking in front of me holding hands. I got thinking, the one thing that I don’t notice a lot of around Villanova’s campus is PDA; sure you see the occasional hand holding, or the occasional kiss, but never the making out that was a daily part of life back in high school (or even some colleges). I really like that fact about Villanova – for the most part you can feel that you belong if you are single and not get mad at people for the unnecessary physical contact in a school setting. *sorry this is a really long talk about the single/relationship life, but it seems to be a common theme that keeps coming up lately* Anyways, my final comment on this whole relationship thing – after dinner tonight I was chatting with one of my good friends on campus and we were talking about this guy she is interested and how things were weird with them for a while, but now they seem to be back to where they used to be… and believe me, I am extremely happy for her, but so jealous at the same time. I know, I shouldn’t be jealous or even like sad/upset that I don’t have that, but it is a bit difficult when a good number of your friends are either in a relationship or are pursuing one and it’s just something that I enjoy to be in…..

enough on that – this is really long, and I’m almost done – just one last thing…

I’d like to comment on the VT tragedy…

I know a lot of people have blogged about it and that it is all over the media, but I’d like to first extend my sympathy to all those who lost a dear one on Monday and to all of those directly affected by this tragedy. As a fellow college student I can’t even imagine what any of you are going through. I would say I am praying for you, but I have found it hard lately to pray with things that have been happening lately, but I am thinking about all of you and wish you all the best during this healing process. The second thing I would like to say is that I am ashamed at fellow facebook members who have created groups ‘protesting’ the groups that are supporting those of VT from other colleges, saying something to the effect that they don’t understand why we are wasting our time to support those people and that it is exploiting them and the entire situation. (please note, I am not quoting from any specific group, just generally stating…) My response to these groups was sadness and anger… the events of Monday could have happened on any college campus in this country or throughout the world. As a college student we are all connected through friends from high school. Please do not tell me, or anyone at VT, that other colleges should not be showing their support. I believe that we, as college students, should be bonding together throughout the country to show our support. Sure, we compete against each other in sports and admissions and all that daily stuff…. but we can bond and support one another in times of need.

I know I said that would be the end of this post – but I was just talking to my brother who is a sophomore in high school and he just informed me of a rumor spreading through their school that someone is planning an attack similar to Columbine on Friday… the principal emailed the parents saying that the matter was investigating throughly and there is no truth to the threat… but after Monday, how can anyone be so sure? I hope to God that this is indeed false and that there is never another tragic event such as Columbine or the VT tragedy.

~ JenJen ~

Not a Fan…

I have not been a fan of the past 48 hours or so…

I don’t even know how to explain how I feel about things – hurt/frustrated/annoyed/mad?

Did I do something to cause the complete shut out? Or is this completely segregated from me?

Hopefully answers will come soon – for the time being I am avoiding getting my ‘head bitten off’ so to speak and waiting to be approached. Please don’t let this last much longer, I really can’t take it…

BF3E?? where did you go?! I miss you

How does this work

My best friend and I met at the beginning of our freshman year in college. We didn’t become friendly towards one another until after Fall Tour, middle of October I would say. We thought there was an attraction towards one another, however he held back and ended our relationship from developing further. Feelings still lingered between both of us as our friendship grew stronger and stronger. We are at the point now where we talk daily, usually more than once a day, and can usually tell each other anything. For the most part, we know what is bothering the other and can know what the other one is thinking. A few weeks before spring break, he had confusing feelings and said that he would figure things out over break. Well, during break, things got interesting between us, and we may have crossed the friendship line in many people’s opinions. (I however don’t regret what happened that week, because if we both weren’t against fwb, we probably could have had an enjoyable fwb relationship) However, that would never happen, and shortly after we returned from break, we put an end to all of those feelings and said it was time to move on with our friendship and rebuild our status as best friends. We still talk daily, for the most part, nothing has changed. He has gone back to his ex girlfriend, who is a junior at his former high school, and I am still single. Some days I hate this single life and other days I enjoy it. Part of me thinks I am still attached to him in a way, and I wonder often if our talking to each other is the source of the problem. It bothers me if we don’t talk and I look forward to talking to him everyday. I can’t understand why I am so attached to him? Sometimes I wonder if it is because he understands some of the things I’ve been through and just always seems there to talk. He doesn’t judge me, and I can relate to him so well. I worry sometimes that if something were to go wrong in our friendship, I really wouldn’t have anyone here at college. He is my closest friend, sure I have the girls, but I just can’t handle them sometimes, they worry about the trivial things and are so clueless to the real things that happen in life. Life isn’t all about books, it’s about dealing with social issues and trying to find yourself. Sure, I’m practically a straight A student and I love to learn and to study; however, I also have been through a lot in life and am trying to figure out what all of it means.

Lately I have lost my religion and faith, my good friend from home recently lost his sister to cancer, she wasn’t even 17. I just don’t understand why God, if there is such a being, would take such an innocent life and why he would put people through all the pain and suffering I have seen. I mean, I know some things we go through are to teach us valuable lessons, but seriously…

sorry for the length, normally I’d be chatting away with my best friend, but he is in a very non-talkative mood tonight, so instead I decided to blog. so until next time….

~JenJen~