The Story of My Life – Part One

This first post consists of a document which I wrote about three months into college – I have had it saved on my computer for all of this time, not sure what to do with it. Today I discovered the beauty of password protecting posts, so I think for the time being, this is where this document belongs.

The nature of this document is the story of my life. I while back I thought that it might make figuring everything out much easier if I were to write down how things have played out, from everything dealing with things with my dad to moving around a lot, to living with an alcoholic, to starting college. I know that my blog is kind of focused on, the college aspect of my life, but I feel that before I can really begin to start and understand things in college, I need to attempt to put the past behind me for good, to move on, to forget and maybe even to forgive.

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“Some days I question how I’m still functioning; how have I been able to handle everything that has happened in my life? I’m not going to lie, I have thought about suicide and I constantly dream of hurting myself or of what it would be like to have a life threatening disease so that I wouldn’t have to deal with life anymore. Yet somehow I have prevented myself from carrying out any of the aforementioned acts. Why you ask? Because I am determined to live my life without the troubles and mistakes with which I grew up with. A while back I promised myself that I would grow up and have a family and not subject my kids to the pains which my brother and myself were subjected to. Sometimes I wonder if I should be trying so hard to make my life better or if I should just give in to the pain and misery and give up. I feel at times that trying is causing more trouble and hardship than it’s worth.

Now that I am off on my own at college, away from my mom and brother, I have struggled even more, I feel, with my emotions and the things in my life that I haven’t quite dealt with yet. I have discovered over the past 3 months the lasting effects on me from Jared, from my dad, from the constant moving, from being so independent, and from just wanting a life of my own. I never really realized until I was off on my own and had to actually address the things bothering me how much the things I’ve been through in life have affected me. I look at others and wish that I could be like them, I skipped my first class last week and wonder why I have always cared so much about school, I have begun to discover that the little, odd things I do are results of the way I was treated by my Dad and Jared; my life has been revolved around ignoring my problems and pretending that I’m a happy girl with nothing wrong. When I tell people the things that have happened in my life they look at me and their response is always something like, “wow, I would have never guessed.” Well, as nice as that is to hear, it has torn me apart inside. I have spent the past 19 years pretending that I am okay and that I have been able to handle everything. In truth, I have struggled with everything in my life and have only allowed a select few to know just the outskirts of it all. This story is to tell it all and will hopefully allow me to confront these issues and somehow I can maybe figure out how to move on and finally put the past behind me.

This story begins with my childhood. For the most part, the first 7 or 8 years are blurry and I only recall certain memories; most being the ones that have affected me, usually bad memories.”

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