Last night was just a bad night overall – I was extremely stressed and just had some weird thoughts throughout the night. School is stressing me out, but then again, that isn’t anything new. I really need to learn how to relax and accept things. I mean I am not superwoman… I can’t expect to get 100s in everything I do… As I was studying for Spanish and working on calculus homework I was chatting online with a few people, I hadn’t eaten dinner, and all I really wanted to do was go get food and sit and relax and hang out. I pushed myself to finish every calculus problem, even if I didn’t get the correct answer and I pushed myself to memorize stuff for Spanish. I almost pushed myself to finish a lab report that is due on Friday, but I stopped myself and crawled into bed and started a movie on the laptop. Why do I push myself to the edge? (haha… that just reminded me of the movie Happy Feet, ” Don’t push me ’cause I am close to the edge. I’m trying not to lose my head. ” Excellent movie, which I finally finished over Easter break)
So anyways, like I said, I convinced myself to start a movie, however I realized that this movie was 2 hours long and it was almost 12:30. Around 1:30, I forced myself to stop watching and to go to bed. Now, I was still hungry, so I’m not sure if that is why I remained awake for most of the night, or if it was other things, but regardless, I didn’t sleep last night. I am extremely exhausted right now and just want to crawl into bed and sleep for hours. However, I have a class in about half an hour, then dinner around 6, after class, then I must go back to my room and get a good amount of homework done. It’s going to be a long night again. 
I am still not sure why I couldn’t sleep last night, but I had really weird dreams/thoughts… While I was doing work, I was talking to some people online, one of those people was my ex. We talked about school, about the summer, about the weather – about us – how is it that after spending 9 intimate months with someone, no matter what they do, what they say, how they act, or anything there is still that feeling that is indescribable… Images and memories from our time together flooded my mind last night as I talked to him and discussed the more intimate aspects of our relationship. No, I don’t regret anything from that relationship; maybe I wish that I had acted differently during certain situations, but for the most part I miss that sort of relationship with someone. It’s not even the physical aspect that I miss, I miss having someone care about me, someone who I know I could call up at any time and they would go out of their way to help me. Sure, I have some really close friends who I can depend on for a lot of things (yeah, I know you read this bud), but it’s just a different kind of dependence. I don’t know. I talked with my good friend from home last week in regards to the single life and she reassured me that I don’t need anyone, which is a fact that I am well aware of, but honestly, how can any person not want that kind of relationship with someone?
—- the rest of this post is written after dinner, I ran out of time before my class! —-
To finish my rambles regarding being single: As I was walking to my 4:30 class, there was a couple walking in front of me holding hands. I got thinking, the one thing that I don’t notice a lot of around Villanova’s campus is PDA; sure you see the occasional hand holding, or the occasional kiss, but never the making out that was a daily part of life back in high school (or even some colleges). I really like that fact about Villanova – for the most part you can feel that you belong if you are single and not get mad at people for the unnecessary physical contact in a school setting. *sorry this is a really long talk about the single/relationship life, but it seems to be a common theme that keeps coming up lately* Anyways, my final comment on this whole relationship thing – after dinner tonight I was chatting with one of my good friends on campus and we were talking about this guy she is interested and how things were weird with them for a while, but now they seem to be back to where they used to be… and believe me, I am extremely happy for her, but so jealous at the same time. I know, I shouldn’t be jealous or even like sad/upset that I don’t have that, but it is a bit difficult when a good number of your friends are either in a relationship or are pursuing one and it’s just something that I enjoy to be in…..
enough on that – this is really long, and I’m almost done – just one last thing…
I’d like to comment on the VT tragedy…
I know a lot of people have blogged about it and that it is all over the media, but I’d like to first extend my sympathy to all those who lost a dear one on Monday and to all of those directly affected by this tragedy. As a fellow college student I can’t even imagine what any of you are going through. I would say I am praying for you, but I have found it hard lately to pray with things that have been happening lately, but I am thinking about all of you and wish you all the best during this healing process. The second thing I would like to say is that I am ashamed at fellow facebook members who have created groups ‘protesting’ the groups that are supporting those of VT from other colleges, saying something to the effect that they don’t understand why we are wasting our time to support those people and that it is exploiting them and the entire situation. (please note, I am not quoting from any specific group, just generally stating…) My response to these groups was sadness and anger… the events of Monday could have happened on any college campus in this country or throughout the world. As a college student we are all connected through friends from high school. Please do not tell me, or anyone at VT, that other colleges should not be showing their support. I believe that we, as college students, should be bonding together throughout the country to show our support. Sure, we compete against each other in sports and admissions and all that daily stuff…. but we can bond and support one another in times of need.
I know I said that would be the end of this post – but I was just talking to my brother who is a sophomore in high school and he just informed me of a rumor spreading through their school that someone is planning an attack similar to Columbine on Friday… the principal emailed the parents saying that the matter was investigating throughly and there is no truth to the threat… but after Monday, how can anyone be so sure? I hope to God that this is indeed false and that there is never another tragic event such as Columbine or the VT tragedy.
~ JenJen ~
